9 Cliches (Actually a Lot More than That)
The following is a list of cliches from 9, mostly taken from the Grand List of RPG Cliches, to illustrate just how derivative this movie is of mediocre videogames in general. Naturally, this is full of spoilers, so be advised.
This is only the list of cliches I feel strictly apply; close-calls I let pass to save typing if nothing else.
10: Luddite rule – Explicitly stated in the film, that technology was a net evil and hastened the downfall of the human race. Me, I’d have thought putting psuedo-Nazis in power was your real problem.
15: Hey I Know You! – 7 is a Tough as Nails female warrior, but also an Achingly Beautiful Gothy Swordswoman (she makes a helmet from a skull, damnit).
16: Hey I Know You Too! – The villain of this movie definitely likes to make mutated creatures/weapons, and even likes to make them from dead heroes.
35: Heads I Win, Tails You Lose – 9, 5, and 7 beat The Beast, then 9 carries out its plan by accident and gets 2 killed to boot. Nice.
37: Fake Ending – Happens with the fight with The Beast about 20 minutes in.
39: What Are We Going to Do Tonight, Vinsfeld? – 9 becomes about saving the world when the big scary enemy (The Beast) is killed only so the REAL enemy (The Machine) can reveal itself.
54: I Don’t Like Gears or Fighting – Giant robots? Check!
78: Pretty Line Syndrome – Explicit in the movie, as there is precisely one tunnel between the Machine’s lair and the home of the… whatever the protagonists are.
85: Dungeon Design 301 – Small item to place in slot to activate puzzle? Check! Switches to pull? Check!
97: Three Females Rule – There is only one female character in this movie, which seems sexist, until you find out that they’re all pieces of a male human’s soul, which just makes it odd.
98: Experience Not Required – Made explicit in the movie, when 5 marvels at how fantastic 9 is at building things, despite being literally hours old and years younger than the rest of them.
100: Science-Magic Equivalence (Citan Rule) – The same scientist who made The Machine made the 9 protagonists using alchemy or some such, which ties into the Machine.. somehow.
121: Child Protection Act (Rydia Rule) – Very, very obvious here, as 3 and 4 escape all harm despite being helpless, mute and annoying. They’re also, by number, some of the oldest characters. Weird.
135: Pinch Hitter Rule – 2, the designated gadget maker, dies, and is replaced by 5, who also makes things. Though 9 quickly surpasses him.
141: Guards! Guards! (or, Lindblum Full Employment Act) – The Machine has an entire fleet of airship sentries but never guards the ONE PATH INTO ITS REALM
143: Falling Rule – Used to a ridiculous extreme. No fall ever harms any of the protagonists. Their small size and light weight might help with this, but it’s still annoying.
155: Evil May Live Forever, But It Doesn’t Age Well – The Machine defeated all of mankind, including the man who made the 9 protagonists and the MacGuffin. Yet miniature rag dolls beat it.
163: All The Time In The World (Rinoa Rule) – The Machine never finishes anyone off until 9 is there to witness it.
166 and 167: Key Item Rule/Law of Inverse Practicality – 9 starts life with the MacGuffin he needs to save the world (from himself).
168: Way to go Serge – 9 activates The Machine and thus costs the lives of OVER HALF the entire known sentient population of the world.
176: Evil Will Always Triumph Because Good is Dumb – The heroes just keep asking for it, pushing buttons, activating monsters, splitting up, etc.
180: Pyrrhic Victory – Written all over this movie.
192: Know Your Audience (Vyse Rule) – 7 is the only female. Good thing she falls for 9, huh?
So that’s 24 separate videogame cliches alone in 9. I’d also add the following cliches I came up with on my own:
#25: Hologram in a Bottle – The protagonist will receive an important message from a fallen or captured ally via holography, even if such technology is uncommon , anachronistic, or completely out of place.
#26: Twins – Adorable youngsters go better as a matched set.
#27: The World Begins and Ends with You: Even if an ally was clearly capable of saving the world on their own (7 beats The Beast easily), they will be unable to do so until you arrive to spectate.
#28: Fascist Aesthetic – Villainous governments will tend toward fascism more for its aesthetics than values. Shiny black boots and goosestepping iconography ahoy, conservative values not so much.
#29: Sanctuary, Sanctuary! – The good guys will hide in a church, which is usually long abandoned and yet generally well preserved for use as a shelter. No one evil ever thinks to look there.
#30: Boned – Even if it’s completely unnecessary, evil technology will utilize bones or corpses, often for things better suited to steel, plastic or wood… because that way you know they’re EVIL.
#31: Matrix Aesthetic – Machine creatures will be jet black, spikey, and have lots of claws and red eyes, even when made largely from innocuous salvage… which makes little sense. Whoa.
#32: Loose Wire – If something is broken, splicing a bit of frayed wire will fix it, nay, vastly improve it. Somehow the original inventor never figured that one out.
#33: Make Way, Grampy – The protagonist will butt heads with a pompous, arrogant old fool who will come around to protagonist’s way of thinking just in time to die heroically.
I could add more, perhaps many more, but I’m tired of even thinking about this thing.