My poor roomie had to make a simple trip into work today to do some minor tinkering on a computer. Round trip is normally 30 minutes. No big deal right?

Wrong, because today is the day of the Verona Ironman event, and lo and behold, the roads were catastrophically clogged with cyclists. Inept police were on hand to ensure that people couldn’t get to their destinations or find a way out of the labyrinth, and no advance notice, of any kind, was posted along most of the route that would be occupied today by that unique species of subhuman mouthbreather known as the Aggressive Wisconsin Cyclist.

You see these people around a lot in Madison. Cyclists who ignore street signs, traffic directions, and common sense, who run stop signs, swerve in and out of lanes, insist on doing their race preparation and exercise on narrow two lane country roads instead of the innumerable bike trails all around the county, etc.

They drive me insane. Insane! These pretentious jock assholes think that their hobby is more important than the work, recreation and transportation of everyone else on the road, and they let you know it at every opportunity. There is a very large bike/pedestrian trail, complete with a dedicated pedestrian/bike bridge that was constructed at a cost of over a million dollars, not five minutes from our home here in Fitchburg. This is a *good thing*. There is nothing wrong with people getting some outdoor exercise. I’m not talking about kids out for a fun day in the sun, or average, functional human beings trying to stay in shape and see the Great Outdoors while respecting traffic laws and taking advantage of public works. No sir. I’m talking about the self-involved assclowns who parade around in the middle of the damn street at 15 mph in their spandex racing gear, complete with advertising logos, so they can feel like Lance Armstrong with an extra testicle. Those are the jerkoffs I’m talking about here, when I say ‘cyclist’. (‘Douchebag’ might be catchier)

But tell me, why do these cyclists then ignore our copious trails, our sidewalks, our bike lanes, and instead ride down narrow yet busy roads at a third of the speed limit, completely snarling traffic? Why do they endanger their (admittedly worthless) lives, and the safety and wellbeing of everyone around them, including pedestrians, who of course don’t receive a tenth the road work money or attention of their well-heeled, spandex clad, elitist bike hobby rivals?

It’s another form of class warfare, plain and simple. You see these schmucks doing this every day of the week, any hour of they day, so they clearly don’t have to worry about work responsibilities. Racing bikes don’t come cheap, and all that tacky racing gear must set them back a pretty penny. They never have packages or backpacks, so they’re not going to or from school/shopping/a job, either. This is just Rich White Cocksuckers, showing off how much money and spare time they have. They do this to remind everyone else in society that they’re the ones in charge. It’s revolting.

Yet it persists, and the county does nothing but accommodate them. I find it deeply vexing that, in a town with no rail and no useable mass transit, we always find the money for more bike lanes (that these clowns won’t use), more trails (that they’ll avoid) and now, yes, even shiny new bridges that they can skip riding across if they so choose. Decent human beings use all those facilities, but they might also use buses, or a light rail, and we never build those. Whatever excuse the government has for supporting cycling in Wisconsin, whether it be health, recreation, quality of life, don’t kid yourself. They’re doing it to reward their rich political patrons, because if a person has the money to drop on a 5k racing cycle, that they can parade down busy streets at 10 am on a Monday morning, guess what?

They have the money for campaign contributions too.

And so today, without warning or notification of any kind to the lower classes, who might have to use the roads to go to work, to shop for groceries, to get about their everyday lives before starting another week of actual work for a living, the entire southwest side of Madison was turned into a gigantic clusterfuck, to accomodate those members of the ruling class who felt the need to take in some scenery, get a bit of fresh air, and prove to themselves how perfect, beautiful and athletic they really are.

What follow is an open letter I wrote to the Verona Chamber of Commerce about today’s events, slightly censored for personal information.

I am writing to inform you how extremely furious I am about the ridiculously poor management of the Ironman event today in and around Verona. **** works at **** in Verona and had to go into work today to complete an important assignment, and got stuck in Ironman related traffic snarls for over an hour and a half. She saw roads blocked off with parked cars, intersections jammed with cyclists for 40 minutes at a time, and the local police completely and utterly unable to control the event. At no point was the route marked or direction given on how to avoid it. We were in the Verona area, specifically around **** just last night, and there were ABSOLUTELY NO SIGNS INDICATING THIS EVENT WAS ABOUT TO OCCUR.

I appreciate that people want to have their little hobbies and sports activities. All well and good. But might I remind you that these are public streets and important roads, and that a de facto major closure of said roads demands that motorists be notified in advance? Some people have to work for a living, yes, even on the weekend, and it is completely unfair that they are held hostage so that others can have a ‘fun’ day out monopolizing public thoroughfares and resources. My wife barely managed to make it back from work, and was unable to complete her assignment, as that would mean making another trip through this hellish debacle, and quite frankly we’re not up for that today.

Thanks much for ruining our day,

John J Sears

PS: If this is an improper contact address for this matter please feel free to forward it to the proper person or persons. I arrived at this site from a listing on the http://www.ironmanwisconsin.com/ webpage.